Discernment, My Story...
I had drifted away from the Church somewhere in the middle of my college
years. I never disliked the Catholic Church, but I had stopped attending Mass. I went
occasionally, but I wasn't receiving communion any longer, nor was I going to the
sacrament of confession. I had slipped into a very egocentric view of life, and actually
thought that if I just lived a "good life," that God would see the goodness in
me, and accept me just the same. Over the following years, I was going to school,
graduating, and then looking for work. I started working, and working very hard, as I
believed my success and well being was solely in my hands. I liked my work, but there was
something not quite right. I couldn't place my finger on exactly what was wrong. I just
knew that I didn't want to be a computer programmer the rest of my life, even though my
job was exciting and fun. Why was I not happy? I thought to myself, I need to think about
what career would make me happy. Maybe, I could be a police officer, teacher, or maybe go
back to school and study genetics. Who knows I might even find a cure to cancer. The only
problem was that I wasn't sure that I would be happy with those careers for the rest of my
life either. So I waited.
I began to look at my life in a whole different way. Sure, I could change careers, but
there was still something not quite right. What was it? I started to look at how I lived
my life. I noticed how negative a person I had become, and how I repeatedly put myself in
negative situations. I tried to distance myself from these situations, by staying home,
going to my room and watching television. As you can imagine, I soon discovered that this
was not the answer to my problems. I had only replaced one negative with another. So I
took another look at myself, a little deeper, a little more honestly. I discovered that if
I was going to be happy, I had to live-out my values and goals in my daily life. This
would bring me greater happiness. Yes, this was IT!
The only problem was that I hadn't identified my values and goals so clearly. Okay, that's
all right, I'll just start with the values then. I began to identify the values and
principles in my life, and I stopped sitting on the fence watching life go by me. I found
that I didn't need to established new values, only identify what exactly and specifically
I believed and then try to live it out. This started as a political exercise, and over the
course of two years I realized that living a "good life" wasn't what I really
believed in at all. I was first drawn back to Christ, and then back into the Church. It
wasn't an overnight change, it was slow, as I tried to actively live-out what I believed.
I was welcomed back into the Church, began to study more about Catholicism, and continued
to explore my faith. I started participating in the community of faith, and within two
years, I was a Eucharistic Minister, Hospital Minister, and Acolyte. I was involved with
the retreat programs, and even helped plan them. I attended bible study, RCIA, and other
various programs. I was eager to learn all that I could, and help our community in any way
possible.
During my life, I had prayed to God very selfishly. Although, it is good to pray for
yourself, it is also good to pray for others. Up to this point, I had never really prayed
for anyone else. I had maybe prayed for a friend or my family on a rare occasion, but
usually only for myself. I began to pray for others, deciding not to worry about my life.
I believed that God would bring me happiness, if that is what He wanted to do. I placed my
trust in God, and undertook the task of praying for others. After many, many months of
doing this is when I first felt called to the priesthood. This is not something I ever
imagined myself becoming, and it actually scared me. I thought that if I just put it out
of my mind, it would go away. Sure enough, it did go away, but it came right back a few
weeks later. I played this game of locking it in the closet, and somehow it always
returned to me. For the next nine to twelve months, I struggled with the discernment
process. I was scared, because I didn't feel worthy of this vocation. I knew that this was
something I wanted to do, but just because I wanted to do it didn't mean that I should. To
compound my stressful discernment, I didn't share it with anyone, not my parents, friends,
coworkers, or parish priests. I knew that this needed to be a decision between God and
myself, and I didn't want anyone influencing me in this decision that would affect the
rest of my life.
How could I be sure that God was calling me to this vocation? Well, the discernment
process was long and difficult, but in the end I was at peace, and that is how I knew that
my discernment was complete. I knew that if God was calling me to this vocation then He
would open all the proper doors for me, and if he wasn't calling me, that was okay too!
There are many ways to serve God and God's people, as a priest or a multitude of other
vocations. I was at peace, because I truly felt deep down that either way was good, so
long as I am serving God's will. That is what I wanted most, to serve God's will.
Some people often ask me if it was difficult to choose between getting married and
choosing to become a priest. Well, I must say that I never compared the two. Although, I
thought about the vocation of marriage during my discernment, and always thought I would
get married, I didn't make the choice an either/or. The decision to become a priest had to
stand on its own! I must also say that although I chose not to share my discernment
process with anyone until it was complete, there is nothing wrong with seeking prudent
advice from someone who also seeks to do God's will. It may very well be that someone is
not called to a particular vocation. A clear indication of wisdom is being open to
the possibility that God may call you where you least expect it.
September 1998
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